Porphyria's Lover
by Halliwell Junkie
Summary: hard to summarize so r&r please


Title: Porphyria's Lover  
Rating: R  
Disclaimer: the poem isn't mine, like the characters, but the poem is Robert Browing's not Joss Whedon's or any of the other people that can claim a legal right to BTVS   
Author's Notes: tis a bit like a song fic with a poem instead of a song.The point of view is Faith's. No 'evil' Faithness and don't really need to know much else. and to avoid a bit o possible confusion porphyria in the poem is supposed to be Buffy. just a semi interesting tid-bit of info, porphyria is a disease linked to the madness of britains king george and to the legend of the vampire. i dunno why the lady's called porphyria though. *** indicates poem part   
Feedback: halliwelljunkie@yahoo.com  
Pairing: Buffy/Faith  
hope ya like  
  
  


Porphyria's Lover   
  
***  
The rain set early in tonight  
The sullen wind was soon awake.  
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,  
And it did it's worse to vex the lake:  
I listened with heart fit to break.  
  
  


***   
  


It's raining again. The weather's finally starting to agree with my moods. It had been bright and sunny for too long. The weather had finally given up on the plot to make me miserable, to remind me of her. Always bright, perky always wearing a smile. I turn away from the window, from them and curl up on the couch, they never really seem to notice me. They're always lost in their own little world. He still doesn't know about me and her. 

Just when I thought my tears had all dried I remember, remember how she looks and how she makes me feel. I get all glad for a few moments and then I remember. She's still with him as well. She hasn't told him yet, she'd promised she would. I know it's hard to tell your undead lover that went through hell for you that you're leaving him for a younger girl. She keeps telling me she will, keeps telling me she loves me more. But she still hasn't told him. She hasn't told anyone at all. Not one of them. I'm tired of getting angry. She's tamed and maimed me, brought out my emotions and my fragility.   
  


***  
When glided in Porphyria; straight  
She shut the cold out and the storm,  
And kneeled and made the cheerless grate  
Blaze up and all the cottage warm;  
  
  


***   
  


I don't even look up as she slips into the apartment. I just sit there waiting staring at the door, tired of it all, oh so tired. She takes off her coat and hangs it up quietly before shivering slightly and turning up the thermostat. She slowly slips out of her shoes before padding over to the bathroom and slipping in trying to be quiet, hoping I was asleep, that I hadn't seen her with him again. I only told her I saw them once a few weeks ago. After that it hadn't seemed worth it. As she steps out a few moments later ready for bed she notices me, awake, as the gentle bathroom light plays over both of us. Awash over her making her glow like an angel.   
  


*** Which done she rose and from her form  
Withdrew the dripping coat and shawl,  
And laid her soiled gloves by, untied  
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,  
And, last, she sat down by my side  
And called me. When no voice replied,  
She put my arm about her waist,  
  
  


***   
  


She looks at me guiltily. She starts talking fiddling with her hands, nervous probably, her voice is soft and sweet like warm honey.  
"Hey, I thought you were asleep." I don't answer just shake my head. She walks over and curls up beside me on the couch, so gentle so sweet, such a liar. It would make my blood boil if it weren't so numb and frozen by her who'd fought so hard to melt it and my heart.  
She shifts slightly and places a gentle kiss on my lips. They still taste like him. I wonder if she thinks I'm stupid or something. Or maybe she can't smell him the way I can. I asked Giles once. He said usually some slayers sense with smell and aura and some with only one or the other. He said he thought B sensed by aura, and he thought I used both possibly more. I kinda agree with him. Guess that explains why she doesn't know I can smell and taste him on her everytime she comes home from solo slaying. We have a schedule. One night B, one night both of us, and one night me. It allows us to rest a bit and get more work done. Gives us some room to fall back on as well. 

I'd only returned the kiss by insctinct. Guess she thought that meant I was in the mood. She'd been a bit put off that we hadn't had sex in a month. I didn't really ever give her an excuse for that. Just said I needed to figure something out. And I told her it wasn't fair with Angel and all. He's pretty ok cept for his being a vamp and all. And the fact that he loves my girl. And he gets to kiss her every night. And gets all her love. The only thing I can give her that he can't is sex. It's all she really gives me as well. I hate him for having her love. I understand that they're in love. But she told me she loved me. Now I'm wondering if that was just to save me. I'd almost gone off the deep end. Till she saved me. But now she's slowly killing me. She's kissing me more, shifting our positions on the couch. I'm tired of fighting. I let her lead me. Whatever makes her happy.   
  


***  
And made her smooth white shoulder bare  
And all her yellow hair displaced,  
And stooping, made my cheek lie there,  
And spread o'er her yellow hair,  
  
  


*** 

She straddles my thighs as she takes off her shirt. She's so lost in her lust she doesn't notice I'm not doing anything to help or to indicate I want this. Then again I'm not telling her to stop either am I? She places kisses all over my face and neck, and slids her hands up my shirt. I keep telling myself I've got to stop, and that she doesn't know. Know that I live solely for her visits. She doesn't know how I love her.   
  


***  
Murmuring how she loved me- she   
Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,  
To set its struggling passion free  
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,  
And give herself to me forever.  
  
  


***   
"God Faith I never want to be away from you again. I love you."  
She moans against my skin how much she loves me. I feel like throwing her off me and screaming, 'If you love me then why the hell are you still with him?', I feel like hurting something. I want to curl into a ball and crawl away into some forgotten corner and cry until I die. I want to hurt someone. I want someone to know about us. She still hasn't told anyone, her friends, her mother, Giles. Angel. No one. I'm her little secret. Her dirty little secret. Every good little girl has one and every bad little girl is one. All good little girls itch and burn to have something to hide, something naughty and bad. They like having secrets things to hide, it gives them a thrill. It makes them feel good, all smart and smug. All the good little girls envy the bad little girls, they want to shock everyone but they enjoy being better than the other little girls, so they can't. They just get their little secrets and hide them, all the while wishing to be discovered to be punished. To know what a bad little girl feels like. They get off on that. They all do, they'll all deny it of course but they do. They all crave it and get it in different ways. In the heart and in the back of the minds of all the good little girls is a really bad girl begging and clawing to get out. The bad little girls are the smart ones though. They may not always use their brains in school but they have them and they use them like everything else. They use everyone and everything just like the good little girls only everyone knows when the bad girl's using them unless they're too wrapped up in their dirty little lusty daydreams of the bad girls. Bad little girls wearing good little girl clothes. No one knows that the good little girls do that best. They do it the best because they are it. The bad little girls let their really bad girl that lives inside them out, they don't try to hide their inner nature. Bad little girls envy the good little girls cause they're loved. That's really all any bad little girl wants. To be loved. None of the good girls care if they are, and they're the ones that get the love. I'm B's dirty little secret, her bad little girl. Nothing else. She's just using me waiting to get caught. She wants to test their love, see how much they love her and how long they'll keep loving her. Trouble with that is, once you find that out they stop. She wants them to get upset with her, punish her. She gets off on it. She'll never admit to it but I know.   
  


***  
But passion sometimes would prevail,  
Nor could tonight's gay feast restrain  
A sudden thought of one so pale  
For love of her, and all in vain:  
  
  


*** 

She gets the better of me as usual and I start kissing back. I keep my eyes closed cause if I see her I won't be able too. I need this. I know I'm gonna regret it in the morning. Like I always do. I wonder if she does too or if she just enjoys the thrill of it all too much. As I kiss her I get flashes of her with Angel. I guess she just likes the baddies. Pale skinned fighters, hiding in the shadows. It lets her taste the dark side, but she's still strong enough to resist and stay on the good side. For now anyways. Maybe tomorrow she won't. I'm dying here, loving her and she doesn't even care. She hasn't noticed yet that I've stopped eating. That I've been drinking almost every single night so I can't feel, I haven't tonight though, something told me not too. That I haven't gone out except for slaying and when she drug me out. She's been too busy. Hiding Angel from me and me from everyone else. They say secrets eat away at people. It seems her secrets are eating me instead of her. He went to hell for her. To save the world. And she repays him by going with me behind his back. I'd do anything for her, but I don't know how long I can keep this up. She's going to end up killing us all with her secrets.   
  
  
  


***  
So, she was come through wind and rain.  
Be sure I looked up at her eyes  
Happy and proud; at last I knew  
Porphyria worshipped me; surprise   
Made my heart swell, and still it grew  
  
  


***  


I open my eyes finally and look into hers. What I see in them confuses me. In her actions you would swear she didn't love me except when she was in bed with me. In her eyes, in her eyes would swear she loved me, cause it swims in her eyes. Love and fear that I didn't love her or that I'd seen her with Angel before.She should realize by now that I love her and always will. Why else would I still be here, submitting myself to this torture. The sex is good, almost mind-blowing but it wouldn't keep me here, wouldn't make me submit myself to the pain that comes with being loved by a good little girl like her.   
  


***  
While I debated what to do.  
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,  
Perfectly pure and good; I found  
A thing to do, and all her hair  
In one long yellow string I wound  
  
  


***  


She was finally all mine. I knew in that moment whatever I asked her to do she would do. Because she loved me.   
"B, wait a sec. I gotta do something real quick."  
I couldn't lose her again. Not ever. I leave her on the couch and make her promise to wait for me. I rummage around in the kitchen, getting a bottle of wine out. I pop the cork and pour some into two glasses. I open another cabinent and pull out a small vial. I'd bought it the other day, after I saw them together again, I'd snapped but before I'd had a chance to drink any she'd come home. I pour a bit into her drink and put the bottle on the counter and go back to her. Her eyes light up when she sees me walk back in. I grin slightly and she asks what the occasion was.  
"Nothing. Can't a girl just be glad that her girl's home after a night of slaying things?"  
She giggles slightly and I hand her the glass.   
"Bottom's up." I grin slightly and quickly drown my glass. She tries to do the same. A momentary regret passes over me as I see how sweet and innocent she looks and is. But then I remember, if I hadn't she'd have gone back to him then. Nothing would have changed. She looks at me funny. It must have started working. She starts to choke slightly and I move forward trying to help, if she was going to have to die, I could at least make it as comfortable as possible. I look at her and she looks at me the whole time, and never do I see in her eyes an accusation. She never suspects me. With bated breath I wait while she draws one last ragged breath, and I regret slightly that no one else will ever have her again. The last thing she sees before she dies is my loving face. It leaves a beautiful smile on her. Her cheeks are a rudy red, passion, wine and slaying. My only regrets now are that they never really got to say good-bye to her and she to them, and that I'll only be able to hold her a little while longer, never to truly kiss her or to feel her soft sweet touch as she topples me over the edge time after time.   
  


***  
Three times her little throat around,  
And strangled her. No pain felt she;  
I am quite sure she felt no pain.  
As a shut bud that holds a bee,  
I warily opended her lids; again  
Laughed the blue eyes without a stain  
  
  


***  


I opened her eyes and looked into the beautiful blue orbs again. I'd never thought I could have her forever. Now I do. Compared as to how past slayers have died this was pretty much nothing pain wise. It wasn't that much by normal standards either. I'm not evil. No matter how much the scoobs and others may think, I'm not. I'm in love. I'm ruled by my heart, not my mind, I'd tried so hard for so long to not be, but I fell in love with her. And somehow for some reason I've never regretted it.  
She was still smiling.   
  


***  
And I untightened next the tress  
About her neck; her check once more  
Only, this time my shoulder bore  
Her head, which droops upon it still:  
  
  


*** 

I went quickly to the kitchen, to get the wine and the vial. I put our clothes back on. No need for anyone to find us half naked.They'd be upset enough finding us both dead. She was mine now, but body's don't hold up well with out constant blood circulation unless you're a vamp. And she wasn't. I pour myself another glass and wonder if I should. I had nothing to live for now. She was dead. Sure it'd be kinda neat to see the faces on the scoobs, but I'd probably never get a chance to go so peacefully again, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let me in peace. They won't understand my reasons for this either. She'd told me once that she wished that we could hold each other forever not moving. She should have learned to be careful of what she wished for. She'll have her wish though. I pour some of the vial's contents into my wine glass and raise a slight toast to her and swallow it all. I'm surprised at the slightly bitter taste but... Maybe I should have left a note explaining. Nah. Let them come to their own conclusions. It didn't really matter to me anymore. I look at her lovingly as the poison starts to work. Slowly my life slips from me. I make sure I'm holding her and my last breath leaves a smile on my lips.   
  


***  
The smiling rosy little head,  
So it has its utmost will,  
That all it scorned at once is fled,  
And I its love, am gained instead!  
Porphyria's love: she guessed not how  
her darling one wish would be head.  
And thus we sit together now,  
And all night long we have not stirred,  
And yet God has not said a word!  
  
  



End file.
